i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He shit in the fireplace
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
