i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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