I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize