It's Friday. Sex?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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