if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
