Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
