fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize