dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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