i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize