Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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