I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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