just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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