I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
