I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize