you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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