dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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