He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I looked at my own cervix.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
