my phone needs a breathalizer
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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