I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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