I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
