i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
