Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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