Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
