just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
