I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
FUCK WHALES
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
