One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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