Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
