I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
