I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There are leaves in my underwear?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
