I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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