a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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