Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
