Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
