wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize