fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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