Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
