Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
