We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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