I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
