Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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