You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
