I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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