so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
