Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
