Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
