1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
PANTIES FOUND
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