I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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