I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
