im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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