I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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