So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
