is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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