DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
