Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize