So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
