Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
