so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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