I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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