When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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