I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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