So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize